Wishing I had Swine Flu

I went to the doctor on Monday because I felt crappy and assumed I had a bladder infection. Sometimes if I knew what the day had in store I would just stay in bed and skip it.

Here’s is how my doctor visit went. After getting my height and weight, I went into the exam room where the nurse asks all sorts of irrelevant questions. After convincing her I didn’t have Swine Flu, she leads me to the bathroom and hands me a specimen cup.

I have never been very good at getting a urine sample, so knowing that I was probably getting an infection I got some paper cups and practiced peeing in them the day before my appointment. So far so good.

I close and lock the bathroom door and then see some weird things in the toilet. Should I flush them or not? (Things like an alcohol wipe and wrapper, band aids, strip of paper and a couple of other weird things) They were small so I decided to go for the flush before I used the toilet, then I washed my hands just in case. In the bathroom is a two way door system for depositing your sample with someone on the other side waiting to pick it up. Just as I started to go, I heard the little door open in an attempt to pick up what I had not yet left. I think the mystery sample collecting person had heard my flush and hand washing and thought I was finished. At this point my bladder froze like a deer in the headlights. That was it. No more! I had two little drops in the bottom of the cup.

Dammit, how am I going to explain TWO drops. Will the person on the other side of the little door think I left an empty cup as some kind of joke?

I left the bathroom and told the waiting nurse I had an unfortunate bladder block and didn’t get much of a sample. Talk about humiliating!

I go back to the exam room to wait for the doctor. CRAP! I sit there wondering what I am going to say to him. I can only hope no one will mention my pathetic attempt and I won’t have to explain anything!

Here it is, one of the most embarrassing doctor appointments I have ever had.

In walks Dr.
Greetings exchanged.
More irrelevant questions.
Still don’t have Swine Flu.
Dr. says I have bladder infection.
Dr. says he needs to culture sample.
Dr. says he needs bigger sample to culture.
Dr. asks me for more.
I say, “Not going to happen”.
Dr. makes sure my kidneys don’t hurt.
Dr. gives me prescription but says a more effective treatment would require a slightly larger specimen.
I hang my head in shame and tell him I feel like I am ten again. Maybe I could drink a lot of water, come back later and try again.
He says, “ Never mind.” “Just call me in two or three days if you don’t feel better.”

I left, vowing not to get sick for a really long time and hope my doctor forgets all about the weird patient he has.