Wishing I had Swine Flu

I went to the doctor on Monday because I felt crappy and assumed I had a bladder infection. Sometimes if I knew what the day had in store I would just stay in bed and skip it.

Here’s is how my doctor visit went. After getting my height and weight, I went into the exam room where the nurse asks all sorts of irrelevant questions. After convincing her I didn’t have Swine Flu, she leads me to the bathroom and hands me a specimen cup.

I have never been very good at getting a urine sample, so knowing that I was probably getting an infection I got some paper cups and practiced peeing in them the day before my appointment. So far so good.

I close and lock the bathroom door and then see some weird things in the toilet. Should I flush them or not? (Things like an alcohol wipe and wrapper, band aids, strip of paper and a couple of other weird things) They were small so I decided to go for the flush before I used the toilet, then I washed my hands just in case. In the bathroom is a two way door system for depositing your sample with someone on the other side waiting to pick it up. Just as I started to go, I heard the little door open in an attempt to pick up what I had not yet left. I think the mystery sample collecting person had heard my flush and hand washing and thought I was finished. At this point my bladder froze like a deer in the headlights. That was it. No more! I had two little drops in the bottom of the cup.

Dammit, how am I going to explain TWO drops. Will the person on the other side of the little door think I left an empty cup as some kind of joke?

I left the bathroom and told the waiting nurse I had an unfortunate bladder block and didn’t get much of a sample. Talk about humiliating!

I go back to the exam room to wait for the doctor. CRAP! I sit there wondering what I am going to say to him. I can only hope no one will mention my pathetic attempt and I won’t have to explain anything!

Here it is, one of the most embarrassing doctor appointments I have ever had.

In walks Dr.
Greetings exchanged.
More irrelevant questions.
Still don’t have Swine Flu.
Dr. says I have bladder infection.
Dr. says he needs to culture sample.
Dr. says he needs bigger sample to culture.
Dr. asks me for more.
I say, “Not going to happen”.
Dr. makes sure my kidneys don’t hurt.
Dr. gives me prescription but says a more effective treatment would require a slightly larger specimen.
I hang my head in shame and tell him I feel like I am ten again. Maybe I could drink a lot of water, come back later and try again.
He says, “ Never mind.” “Just call me in two or three days if you don’t feel better.”

I left, vowing not to get sick for a really long time and hope my doctor forgets all about the weird patient he has.

Part two of "the" day!

Traffic is worse on the way home from Baltimore. Unbelievable! We call September and ask her to meet us for dinner at a place on our way because kids are getting fussy and ride is taking WAY too long. We stop at Walmart and grab a couple of things while waiting for September.

We are looking at toys when Eliza falls and Spence grabs her arm. Eliza really starts to cry and hold her wrist. The way she acts I assume her arm is hurt. Finally, September arrives and we decide to go to an Insta Care. Ok, nothing is as easy as it sounds when you factor in the ridiculous traffic. Spence takes one car, I drive the other one with the kids and September. Oh, I forgot that first we all got in one car and sped to a little clinic but there are so many people waiting we decide to go back to Fredericksburg.

Oh my gosh! This is how it went down.

We are all starving.
We are going 10 - 15 mph.
Benjamin starts fussing.
Benjamin vomits.
(Here's where I was glad I was driving).
September stares into the backseat not knowing what to do.
Sweet Benjamin, who is covered in throw up, says, “Napkin?”
We start to laugh. Could things get any worse?
September complains bitterly about trying to mop up vomit from the front seat.
September starts feeling sick because she is so hungry.
We laugh so hard that September starts having contractions.
Finally arrive at insta-care.
Poor Eliza has dislocated elbow.
Clinic fixes elbow.
Spence changes Benjamin’s clothes.
We go to Lone Star Steakhouse.
Spence times September’s contractions.
Thankfully they stop.

I go back to hotel, glad that this day is over.

Day from you know where part one.

We (Me, Spence, Benjamin, and Eliza) started at 9:00 a.m. on our big day out with Thomas the Train. First problem - Thomas was in Baltimore. It is not that it is so far away but it seems like halfway across the world when you factor in traveling on average about 15 miles per hour. How do people live like this?

People in Virginia drive like maniacs. The worst of which is Spencer. I don’t know how he manages without me gasping in horror as we almost ram full speed into the car ahead of us. Next time I have to get some serious medication for the nerves. Two hours fifteen minutes of that.

Ok, you know how I feel about hanging around kids, my grand kids excluded of course. The train station had more kids under the age of five than I have ever seen! Anxiety level started rising. Bathroom had a line of moms and kids that would make even the best bladder tremble. Everything jam packed with little bodies.

All I could see was Swine Flu and more germs than one human should endure in an entire life time. I couldn’t decide whether to hold the camera in my spare hand or the sanitizer. The sanitizer won out. I kept de-germing but the kids kept touching stuff so I’m sure it was a losing battle.

Now, about the actual train ride on Thomas the Train. What is it with the whole Thomas thing? I mean what is the appeal? Ok, I will admit I have only seen about one episode but I wasn’t impressed. He doesn’t even have any super powers, so geeze, why all the hysteria?

We board. We go. Well, I think we went. It was so slow that Eliza kept wanting to de-board because she couldn’t figure out why we were just sitting there. We moved slower than the traffic in VA during rush hour. We rode in a straight line for about nine minutes and then we went back in the same straight line. Thomas couldn’t manage a turn or a hill or much of anything. We did get a certificate. Spence said we couldn’t wrinkle them. I said “Why?” “We could make copies of these and pass them out to anyone walking down the street and they would look the same as the ‘official ones’!” By the way, a real train pulled us out and back in to the station. Thomas didn’t push or pull. What a sham! It was like a fake cardboard Thomas over a real engine.

Chicken nuggets, nachos, souvenirs, back to car and arduous trip home. Day gets longer. Part two of this story tomorrow.